It was just after 2 am on a fall evening in downtown San Jose. A dear girlfriend of mine, my ex-boyfriend, a another (male) friend, and I were walking home from a club. We were in our early 20's and drunk in the way that only those who have finally earned the right to start drinking in public places and want to celebrate can be.
"I am so drunk," my girlfriend yelled. "I am sooo drunk and I am sooo feminist and I am sooo vegan and I am sooo feminist!"
I laughed and our male friend gently tried to shush her so we didn't get the cops called on us. I remember thinking "I love her, but she's kind of extreme. But that's just her way. I mean, I could never be vegan. That's crazy. And I'm a feminist too but I don't need to shout about it or anything."
We made our way back to my house but not before she and I took a quick "nap" to "rest our legs" on the steps of a funeral home. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: I was a real gem back then.
Fifteen years later, my friend's loud, drunk proclamations still dance around my mind. Since then, my friend stopped being vegan and I became one. She stopped drinking and I've become a feminist who needs to shout about it.
I need to shout about feminism.
I need to shout about feminism because I'm at a place in my life where nothing feels more important. I need to shout about feminism because I've never been more hyper-aware of how my being female sometimes results in me being treated differently than my male peers. I need to shout about feminism because I'm tired of subtle remarks or superior looks that read as "You're less than." I need to shout about feminism because I am so tired of the interruptions and mansplaining. I need to shout about feminism because for years, every time I've been inappropriately touched or assaulted by a man, I've tried to be understanding and assume that it wasn't meant to be obtrusive or inappropriate or just convince myself that at least I wasn't physically hurt. I need to shout about feminism because of every lingering, creepy stare that has made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I need to shout about feminism because I hate that for all of these years, I had gotten so used to the inequality and the objectification, that I stopped noticing it. I need to shout about feminism because my stepdaughter, Sophia, is 16 and I'm scared that the rights I've taken for granted as a woman might be taken away from her. I need to shout about feminism because I don't want Sophia to get used to sexism the way I had. I need to shout about feminism because all we really want is to be treated equally. I need to shout about feminism because I'm fucking proud of my experiences, my accomplishments, and the person that I am. I need to shout about feminism because I can't be quiet.
I need to shout about feminism. I need to shout about it so much that while I write this, my hands are shaking and I have a lump in my throat. I'm thinking about the time I looked out my bedroom window and saw my male next door neighbor watching me take my shirt off. I'm thinking of the time I was just trying to unlock the door to my apartment building when a man stuck his hand up my skirt and grabbed my ass and part of my vagina so hard that I screamed out of fear and pain and he just kept on walking, disappearing into the crowd. I'm thinking of the time a man standing behind me on the bus ran his fingers through my hair. I'm thinking of the time the guy passing me on the sidewalk pulled his sweatpants down to expose his penis and then pulled his pants back up as if nothing had happened and I just laughed. Because by this time, it wasn't shocking anymore. All I could do was laugh. I'm thinking about that time I went on a date with a guy and he leaned into kiss me and I pulled away because I barely knew him, and then he told me I should leave because I'd made things awkward, and as I walked to my car, I wondered if I'd ever been more than an object to him. I'm thinking of the time I've had men over-explain everything to me, right down to how dark it gets at night. He actually explained darkness to me. I'm thinking about the times men have interrupted me at work to explain their idea, which coincidentally, was my idea that I had just been explaining. I'm thinking about the times at work when a man will come in to the room and acknowledge every person in the room except for me and it's not a coincidence that I'm the only woman in the room.
I need to shout about feminism because everything I just mentioned is just par for the course for every single woman. And everything I just mentioned is nothing compared to what some women, especially trans women and women of color, have endured. And I hate that I feel grateful that this is all I've encountered so far.
I need to shout about feminism because it's not easy for me to do. I'm naturally inclined to avoid confrontation and try to please everyone. I hate to make others feel uncomfortable, even when I feel uncomfortable. The other day, I got into a discussion about the election with a co-worker. I know, I know. It's a big no-no. I hate being political and I hate that this election has made it such a focal point in my life right now. I am grateful that we live in a democracy and that we all have the right to vote in accordance with our own ideologies. But when my co-worker mentioned that they were voting for a 3rd party candidate, I wanted to remind him of all the rights that many people will lose (not to mention the homes lost for all those who will be deported) should the republican candidate become president. I wanted to ask him if he cared about his young daughter's future under this candidate's leadership and how his views and treatment of women will contribute to the shaping of the woman she becomes. He left it at "I just need to vote my conscience." And I get it. I do. I appreciate that he has that right. But it was a slap in the face, saying that risking my rights as a woman weren't as important as not voting for someone he believes (without substantiated evidence) to be evil and corrupt. That having a president who treats women in such a horrifying, disgusting manner is not as big a problem as a president who once made a poor decision in the handling of her emails. I know I shouldn't have, but I took it personally. But instead of shouting about feminism, I sat at my desk, put my headphones on, and watched old episodes of Full Frontal with Samantha Bee (a.k.a. Feminist Church) for a couple hours because I needed to hear a voice of reason. But the incident still bothers me. I hate that I was too worried about making HIM feel uncomfortable while voicing my opinion. I hate that I didn't have the nerve to tell him how important it is that we have a president that feels that women deserve to be treated with respect. To have leaders that will shout about feminism so that someday, future generations of women won't have to shout about it themselves.
I need to shout about feminism because the stakes are too high. I need to shout about feminism because maybe, just maybe, it will make a difference. That maybe, if enough of us shout about it, things will begin to shift.
I need to shout about feminism. I'm angry. I'm scared. I'm proud. And I'm not drunk. I'm incredibly sober. I'm standing on my chair and I'm shouting. I AM A FEMINIST! I AM SOOO FEMINIST!
Sarah Sypniewski
Sometimes, we don't realize how institutionalized sexism is. But then once we do, that's only the beginning of the battle. It's a lifelong struggle to confront it and battle. And it's tiring. I am sorry all of these things happened/are happening to you/us. What we have to remember is that the end of the election is only another beginning. We will always have to fight. Thanks for speaking up. It's important. And I hope you find it empowering, and know that we are all here to support.
michelle geil
Shout! Beautifully, wonderfully, loudly! And I will shout with you too, and if we should long and hard enough, the world will hear, and will change. Thank you!
Jojo
Hell yes Kristy! Thanks for shouting about your feminism and for sharing your experiences.
Sunny
Thank you for this blog post. Beautifully written and so so true! You rock! <3
Andrea
I'm with you. And I'm with HER!!!
Sara
Thank you for this. Thank you for shouting. KEEP SHOUTING!
Cara
I think it all really started for me when I saw horrific memes on Facbook being shared BY WOMEN about how women were the ones buying 50 Shades Of Grey so we should shut up about being offended by what Trump said. Or even the split photo of 4 popular female performers grabbing their crotches (during their shows, mind you) and somehow that makes them hypocrites for finding offense over a man bragging about grabbing a woman without consent. It was a wakeup call for me, realizing how many women are still asleep about this. It got me thinking about my own experiences about men who made it their right to my body or even simply expressing their opinions about my body, that seems eerily similar to yours. Pages upon pages of my experiences. And how I'm just NOW thinking about it because up until now (thank you Donald), I just thought it was normal. It's been the greatest gift about this election: it has woken in me to shout about being a feminist; to talk about my stories; and to teach girls in a younger generation about self respect and fighting for their rights. Yes, yes, yes to everything in this post <3
Joanne
Thank You for writing what many of us are thinking.
Jenna
I love that you wrote this. I work in a place that is pretty hostile towards women and i hate that me and the other woman that works here have to put up with so much shit just to get through the day. And whenever we do speak up we just get harassed even more for being "sensitive" and "politically correct" and "whiney". As if it isn't bad enough being harassed for being vegan. UGH WHAT IS THIS WORLD. lol I'm going to follow your lead and throw on some Samantha bee...
Christin
I love this Kristy!! I feel the same way you do, and I understand taking it personally when someone is voting for someone who is so clearly unstable, a narcissist, discriminatory against women and people with disabilities, Muslims, Mexicans, you name it. I am angry about it all but consciously trying to hold myself back from judging others because as you said, they have their right to an opinion and their vote. But it's so hard when it's being directed toward me as a woman. I pray tonight's election shows that we can still believe in (most of) America. =) Thanks for posting.
Stacey M
I think we all have that tendency to brush aside so many small slights, that we almost don't realize they are happening anymore. Then when the BIG slights happen, we recall those little incidents and the anger starts to build until you HAVE to shout.
What constantly shocks me is how many WOMEN are chauvinists without realizing it. You all know those women who will always take a man's word for something, but they will argue endlessly with YOU on a topic, even when they know you have expertise on the subject. But if a man steps into the room and validates your statement, suddenly the argument is over. I have, and have had bosses, women in high power positions, whom you would THINK would treat all of their female employees equally to the men, but it just is not so. They in fact hold you to a MUCH higher standard, and allow the men to miss deadlines, make mistakes, act inappropriately and generally behave like man-children, and they make allowances every time, and often expect you to pick up the slack and "give the guy a break". However, if you drop one ball, or it is even perceived that you do...you are instantly in the crosshairs. My work load has also been far heavier than my male counterparts, with the expectation that I will work whatever hours needed to get the job done, including be available by phone and email on my days off, though the men in the office clock out at 5 and you don't see or hear from them again until 9am and on their days off, they are unavailable.
It is the weirdest double standard, and so disheartening to me. Maybe it is because I was raised by feminist lesbians, but I am very aware of the inequality in the work place. I am proud to say that when I was Managing large businesses, my turnover was the lowest in company history. I had the most reliable and efficient team in our very large company and our stores ran smoother and with fewer complains than any in the franchise. I believe that is largely due to the fact that if you truly treat people equally and fairly, everyone rises to the top, and achieves their full potential without that underlying feeling of defeat that you find in so many offices.
We, as humans, need to spend more time lifting each other up, and less time putting each other down.
keepinitkind
I completely understand and have worked with female chauvinists as well. I think sexism is so deeply ingrained in our culture that many people don't realize that they're a part of it or that it's happening to them. I would love to see women working together to build each other up rather than re-enforcing the patriarchy that oppresses us. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, Stacy. 🙂
Krystal
Shout it out, girl! I'm giving you the most epic of virtual high-fives right now. 😀
Charity
Today, the day after the election, I am sad that more people did not stand up and shout. We are all in this together...
Colleen P
A wonderful essay. I'm a 65 year old Canadian and I've been a feminist for 45 years. Rights that you take for granted can so easily be taken away. To be honest I don't have much time for those who vote their conscience because your conscience won't get you much when you lose things like freedom of choice and civil rights.
Alicia
Thank you for this. Keep shouting!
Samantha
Thank you, Kristy.
kim
I am shouting with you. If we all shout together maybe someday we will be heard.
Stephanie J.
thank you for shouting ! we need to band together and let the world know, it's not ok to treat women like this.
Your Partner in Passion Kait
MIC DROP HANDS UP A-FUCKING-MEN THANK YOU.
I think the best part of this election (if one can find a silver lining and TBH I'm not promoting doing that b/c it's a privileged perspective)...it's seeing who's stepped the fuck up and used their platforms & voice and who hasn't. It's looking around and seeing my traditionally conservative friends, say, "OH HELL NO" and risk damaging familial and community relationships. It's seeing HOW people worked their messaging into their business - and if it ultimately was for profit (eye roll) or because they couldn't NOT talk about this.
Thank you thank you thank you.
xoxo
Connie
Thank you so much for this Kristy - so well put (sorry, just seeing the post now, while I still am dealing with the fallout from the election). Well, in the search for silver linings, I think that between having a female candidate for President, and hearing the amazing speeches by Michelle Obama, there's been a sea change for a lot of women of all ages, which is that we're DONE. Done with being afraid to speak out and up, because, what's there even to lose now? We will soon have a holder of the most powerful office in the land who has openly and contemptuously let his feelings be known about women.
I am just so grateful that my kids are old enough (I have 12-year-old boy/girl twins) to have been able to see our current President speak respectfully and even with awe of women, and, in particular, his wife and daughters. Now I will have to work for the next few years to protect them from the words and actions of our incoming President and his people, because there is nothing from that camp that I would want either of my children to hear or emulate. I will, however, keep educating them about the fight for civil rights, women's rights, gay rights, etc., so that they never take any of these for granted. We are fortunate to live in a liberal community, but I come from an area in the Midwest that is ultra conservative, and have female cousins who voted in a way that is hard for me to comprehend, but, as we are all learning, there is a cultural divide in existence that I didn't really realize the full scope of until now.
Anyway, yes, lots of Samantha Bee viewing (and John Oliver and Trevor Noah, etc.) has been getting me through this rough period as well (and some wine, too)!
Penelope Chandra- Shekar
Thank you, Kristy. I stand with you and I too am especially pissed at the "I'll vote my conscience. They are both evil" line of crap. Those and the people that stayed home and don't even bother to vote have earned my contempt. It's going to be a generation Or more before the damage can be undone. Depressing and as a vegan for mostly health reasons it has even somewhat disrupted my plant based eating regime. Kind of a "oh,hell, we are all screwed anyway moment". I am trying to regroup and recommit to staying positive in all ways but it is not easy.
Jennifer
I am sorry to hear about your bad interaction, but I understand where you are coming from. I am very close to my two bosses, I am the only employee so we interact with each often. Yes there is something of a generation gap, but our points of view are both very similar. Sadly, one of my bosses has his cousin come to the shop often, he is a republican. I can relate to some Northeastern Republicans, technically my husband is registered as one. But I think we all felt betrayed by my boss's cousin since he was paid to help with the Trump campaign in Pennsylvania, helping with the marketing. He had said some very stupid things to us, and felt like "well it was my job, and it's over" and didn't get that he was talking to a woman with two businesses who used Obamacare, a gay man who had to live through a lot of bigotry, and a vegan feminist. I think the people who made me most upset were less of the friend who voted third party, and more of the people in swing states that I knew who voted Trump or didn't vote at all. A relative didn't vote, and it was upsetting. He is a white man married to a black woman and live in Nebraska and the two admitted they feel a little segregated and race might play a part. And to say that they didn't vote because they didn't like either candidate just tells me they didn't take the time to LOOK at either candidate.
Sarah Baker
I'm in happy, sad tears over this! YES!! Thank you so much for this!