This essay was originally published on Medium on April 18, 2017.
I get told to smile a lot.
The reason for this is because when my face is relaxed, or emotionless, it doesn’t settle naturally into a smile. In fact, when my face is relaxed, I actually look like I’m seriously contemplating the Space-Time Continuum and/or like Drew Barrymore in Firestarter, when something is being engulfed in flames. And our society prefers women to be smiling. So obviously, this is problematic.
In high school, a group of kids in my class started calling me “Depressed Girl.” Which was embarrassing. It was also a constant reminder that I was actually dealing with depression and anxiety that I was trying to keep a secret. Being repeatedly reminded that I looked depressed only worsened the situation by stigmatizing my mental health issues and making me feel guilty for having them. I would sometimes do a sarcastic smile in response, but inside, I felt like disappearing.
Throughout my twenties and thirties, I’ve been told that “You’re prettier when you smile” and “You should smile more.” I became hyper-aware of when I was and wasn’t smiling. In times that I was dealing with depression, those same feelings from high school resurfaced. I learned how to fake-smile. I eventually accepted that my smile was something others could request, like it actually belonged to them and I was just holding it for safe keeping. I accepted that this was normal.
When the term “RBF” aka “Resting Bitch Face” emerged, I was, like, “THANK YOU FOR EXPLAINING MY LIFE!” I used it to defend my lack of smiling. I used it as a joke. I used it as a shield. I used it often.
It wasn’t until recently, when I stopped caring if people like me, that I began to examine my relationship with my smile. And the thing is that I love her, my smile. She’s natural, genuine, twinkly-eyed, and toothy. She’s often, but not always, accompanied by my laugh. She comes around when I have a moment of pure joy; when I see videos of adorable animals; when I hear a story that touches my heart; when a friend, loved one, or tv show makes me giggle; when I get to eat delicious food or see an amazing part of our planet; when I’m proud of myself; or when I’m just happy to see someone. My face has created little wrinkles over the years, dedicated solely to her. She’s endured two rounds of braces, a short-lived retainer, bad kisses, good kisses, and a variety of lipstick shades. There’s not another one like her. She’s all mine.
But my face at rest, when I’m not smiling, is pretty great too. She’s a really even mixture of both my mother and my father’s genes. It’s hard to say which one I look more like. She functions exactly how she was designed to. She has a hard time masking my emotions. Whether I’m feeling angry, depressed, nervous, or just shocked while watching Big Little Lies, she will let you know. She’s more sensitive than she likes to let on, but one thing she is not is bitchy and she resents being called that. I’m sorry I did for so long. She’s just as genuine and natural as my smile. And that means she does not enjoy faking it. Smiling, that is.
When a woman is told to smile, it’s being assumed that her face is there to be consumed by onlookers. She’s being told that her face, in its natural state, is failing at confirming to society’s idea of the Ideal Woman. That the onlookers, the consumers, don’t find her naturally appealing. We’re given two options: Offer up a non-genuine version of our smile or have our face be labeled as a Bitch. From now on, I’m choosing neither. I don’t like fake smiling- it’s uncomfortable and devalues my real smile. And my face doesn’t deserve to be called names.
Instead, I’ve come up with a response. The next time a co-worker says “Smile, gurrrl,” or “Let’s see that smile!” I’m going to respond with “Nope. Can’t. This is my Resting ‘I truly don’t care what you think’ Face and she’s not going anywhere anytime soon.” Of course, that’s easier said than done and it may take some practice, but my relationship with my face and my smile are too important to sacrifice in order to please the onlookers. My smile is mine and I don’t need to share it with you.
Maria Anne
Thank you, this is exactly how I feel. RBF sisters unite. haha. I do what I WANT!
Sönne
Thanks so much for this post! You're touching upon so many important topics here! I don't understand all the fuss about smiling while you might be thinking about something serious, sad, not funny - or just about life in general which - even though it's a beautiful wonderful thing - isn't always making one smile like every single second, or is this just me? Oh and by the way, are there really people with a smiling resting face? I seriously cannot imagine that - would be kind of creepy, wouldn't it?
Ashley
All of this resonates with me so much! Thanks for sharing, Kristy!
Elisha
I get this a lot too, and I'm a generally quiet person. I've been told by a number of friends that when we first met and I didn't speak much to them they thought I hated them. I've come to accept it, and will sometimes inform people when I first meet them and have a feeling that I will come to like them in the long run, that no, I don't hate you, I'm just quiet and this is my face.
Also, there's a a band that sums it up very well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDmeKkn__Yo
jacquie
thank you, thank you and thank you.
I can't tell you how many times I have been told that - and it sounds like I don't need to as you have had that experience as well. I'm going to work on my self-talk and thought about my smile in light of your post. thanks for having the courage to put this out there.
the thought of relaxed faces .......
now that does make me smile.
KerryAnn Laufer
Great post. I still flinch when I recall someone saying to me, a very young girl at the time, "You're so much prettier when you smile." OUCH. I love that you're putting some light on this.
Christin
Thanks for this post. I've heard the same thing my entire life!! I remember walking through the halls in high school and people would constantly ask "what's wrong!?" and "you should smile more!" when I was perfectly happy. The last thing I want to do at that point is smile. I'm glad I'm not the only one! =)
Adri Ustick
Love this! I am so glad that I can feel like I am not the only one who feels like this or is treated like this. This makes me smile even more 🙂 haha
Joyce
This post hit a nerve. It's is interesting to see how many others have had that experience. Wonder what percentage of females have lived with this? Do males deal with this to the same degree? I, too, have a history of being told to smile. I have a serious nature, but that does not mean I am unhappy. When I came into the kitchen for breakfast during my childhood, teen years, my father would look at me and say "What's the matter, gotta grouch on?" I didn't but that certainly brought one on. Or, if I was performing something with others in front of a group, he'd say, "Everyone was smiling but you." Occasionally, a coworker would make a comment, which I found annoying because I was not in a bad mood, just being observed in a moment when I was considering what I was working on and making decisions. Also, I have a small gap between my 2 top front teeth that I was always self-conscious of, and it is revealed when I smile. I find since I retired, I naturally smile more, so perhaps I am now more relaxed.
Aggie
I just always tell people I'm smiling with my eyes.
Anne Maria
Thank you so much for this post. I, too, have heard this all my life, from my father, throughout school, working environments. It drives me nuts. Your solution is brilliant. I'm going to change one word...."Nope. I won't." What a world we live in when so many women and girls are told their value lies in how they appear in order to please others. Time for it to stop. Great call. Love your books, Kristy. Was very excited to purchase them here in Australia.
Wendy @ Plantivores
Great post Kristy! I think when people tell others to smile it's because THEY are uncomfortable that someone else doesn't look happy. It's about them and not you. Way to go owning your feelings and demeanor without submitting to someone else's discomfort. 😀
Hanne
I can relate!!!! I had a round face when I was younger and when i smiled in middle school my eyes practically disappeared and my cheeks took over so I was called chipmunk cheeks and other nicknames. Yet when I didn't smile (which was most of the time) people always told me to smile. It bothers me that even as an adult people tell me to smile in photos. Geez. I'm a grown up. I know you are taking picture. I'll smile if I want to.
Now I love my crow footed smile. But it is my smile and no one can make me. Thank you for writing this.
You are a wonderful writer. Wonderful.
-Hanne
Susan
As someone who has been told to smile countless times, I loved this post!
Ines Pljakic
You should smile only when you feel like it! Never listen to others or let them "request" your smile, as you said! Keep it up the way you are and if they need a smile, well, they can do it on their own 🙂
Erin
I also have a problem the "request", especially the implication that people like me better when I smile. I live with this (painful anxious) sense of doubt: am I really acceptable as I am, or do people only like me because of how cheerful and upbeat I act all the time?
So when someone implies that I should smile, I don't think only about smiling. I think about all the little ways that I have been betraying myself for twenty three years, all the little decisions I've made out of fear, that led me to realizing that I have no clue who I really am or what I really feel.
These days, if someone implies that I should smile, I'll smile. I'll smile, because for the first time in forever, I'm making a decision based on how I feel: I'm going to go to therapy! The person who requested the smile doesn't know that I'm smiling because they don't have control over me anymore. She might not know it yet, but I'm no longer going to change who I am for her approval. Mum can deal with her own feelings about me growing up.
Diane
Touché